ashtonirwinsdaddykink:

itspoopypants:

irwinillusions:

*causally brings these gifs back*

holy shit no

y u do dis

(via niallshipsdontliefan)


pocahonturd:

parasailin-sarahpalin:

1997kids:

brilliant

IT’S 2 O CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING AND I’M HOWLING MY MOM JUST WALKED IN AND NOW I HAVE TO TURN THE COMPUTER OFF FUCK IT WAS SO WORTH IT

YES IT’S BACK

(via punchcalum)


xopachi:

skwinky:

lntruding:


Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
Nope.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
In conclusion:
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.



UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
(Source)


I always need this on my blog.

I can’t be laughing this hard in the morning. 

xopachi:

skwinky:

lntruding:

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.


UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A fucking fork?

I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

(Source)

I always need this on my blog.

I can’t be laughing this hard in the morning. 

(via artificialwonders)


unpopulaur:

"You should smile more!"

image

"You look tired!"

image

"Are you really going to eat all that?"

image

Is it that time of month?

image

"You’re just being dramatic"

image

"You have terrible taste"

image

"Just exercise and eat less!"

image

"Thats really slutty"

image

(via voodoodollhemmings)


The best asks, ever.

1: What eye color do you find sexiest?
2: White, milk, or dark chocolate mocha?
3: If you could get a Sharpie tattoo on your back, what would it be?
4: Did you grow up in a small or big town? Did you like it?
5: Your favorite adult as a child? (and not your parents, if they were your favorite)
6: What kind of smoothie sounds really good right now?
7: Most embarrassing moment from your elementary school years?
8: Most embarrassing moment from your middle school years?
9: Most embarrassing moment from your high school years?
10: Pirates or ninjas? Why?
11: Have you ever climbed a tree more than twenty feet off the ground?
12: Did you like swinging as a child? Do you still get excited when you see a swing set?
13: If you could have any pet in the world, illegal or not, what would you get?
14: What's your most favorite part of your body?
15: What's your most favorite part of your personality?
16: Madonna or Lady Gaga? Neither? Both? Who cares?
17: Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through?
18: Have you ever watched any major sporting event drunk?
19: What's the most delicious food you've ever eaten in your life?
20: Margarine or butter? Which did you grow up with?
21: Whole, skim, 1%, or 2% milk? (Did you know they make 1 1/2% milk?)
22: Which continents have you been on?
23: Do you get motion sickness? Any horror stories?
24: Backpacks or satchels?
25: Would you wear a rainbow jacket? A neon yellow sweater? Checkered pants?
26: What was your favorite cartoon growing up?
27: If you had to have a cow or a pig, which would you take? Why?
28: If you had to look at one city skyline for the rest of your life, which would it be?
29: Longest plane ride you've ever been on?
30: The latest you've ever slept?
31: Would you buy a sweater covered in kitten pictures? Would you wear it if someone gave it you for free?
32: Do you pick at scabs?
33: Favorite kind of bean? Kidney? Black? Pinto?
34: How far can you throw a baseball?
35: If you had to move to another country, where would you move?
36: Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food? Vietnamese? Korean? Nepalese? How was it?
37: Small, liberal arts school or public university? Why?
38: A relationship with love or one with sex?
39: Do you eat enough vegetables?
40: Do you like horror movies? How about thrillers?
41: Would you scratch a crotch itch in public?
42: Do you swear in front of your parents?
43: Coolest thing you've ever been for Halloween?
44: If you could change your natural hair color, would you? To what?
45: Do you want to get married? Have kids?
46: Do you use a reusable water bottle? If not, you should.
47: City or nature person?
48: Have you ever used something other than "makeup" as makeup? (Like paint? Markers?)
49: Can you walk well in high heels? Even if you're a guy?
50: Post 5 awesome things about yourself. BRAG AWAY!

(via food-smut)


constantlyheartbroken:

I say I want to be skinny yet I am always eating. I say I want good grades yet I procrastinate until it’s too late. I say I don’t want to be alone as I put my headphones in and never talk to anyone. I say I want to be a better and happier person as I sit here and count all the ways I hate myself.

(via clifforgasmic)


(via laugh-addict)


draco-take-me-to-the-yule-ball:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATT LEBLANC

Happy brithday to the incredibly talented and funny Matthew Steven Leblanc. Have a good one!

draco-take-me-to-the-yule-ball:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATT LEBLANC

Happy brithday to the incredibly talented and funny Matthew Steven Leblanc. Have a good one!

(via laugh-addict)


attractive person: hi
me: is this some kind of sick joke